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To do or not to do, to have or not to have (anxiety diaries)

The plans for the rest of the year have come to a stop. I have, in my mind, only planned till December 20th.

We are going away for five days to our friends wedding in Colombia. This trip has brought about all the anxiety my body could handle and even now, less than a month away, it still makes me nervous.

I have never left my 4 year old more than two nights in a row. The pandemic and many other stuff has brought us closer than close this year and to be honest it’s just not my cup of tea to be away from my baby. We are basically one in the same since the day she was born. And to add to the anxiety cycle here, we’ve been talking about having another baby. We 'feel' ready and we strongly feel the need to give our firstborn Maya, a sibling.

I wasn’t too keen on the idea a year ago but my daughter and husband have slowly been warming me up to it. It still feels like a huge step I am not quite ready to take. I am trying to put it in the hands of fate and flow with it but when you’ve been avoiding to a fault getting pregnant for the last 4 years, fooling around without protection feels righteously irresponsible.

I don’t want to take this kind of life changing decision lightly. I see the bigger picture and feel confident with what we're trying to build here but then I see my internal turmoil and freak the fuck out.

When are we supposed too be ready for life’s biggest plans? Or do they just happen and we adjust our lives accordingly?

My first pregnancy ended at 8 weeks, in a natural abortion, then my second, with my Maya was rough on us in every possible way (more emotionally as a couple than physically as a mother bearing a child which I quite enjoyed actually); I find myself craving a baby inside of my womb and all that comes after but I honestly don’t know if my mental state right now can tolerate all these changes at once, if going away for five days has represented such stress, I am terrified of the 9 month journey towards a new life .

I've over analysed every possible outcome and asked myself how strong I actually feel in my heart and mind right now to handle all of it.

The other day I was really anxious so I called my mom and cried it out. I said it out loud: I’m not sure about this second baby thing. It felt like a huge weight off my back as soon as I voiced it out. Just that: saying it out loud to another person and accept the fact of how vulnerable, scared and apprehensive I feel.

My therapist and I have been working on allowing emotions to be present, to exist and to even have a conversation with them. This was me having a conversation with my anxiety through my mother: I see you. I feel you. Let's see what you've got to say. Just stay here for a while, show me what I need to know. Thank you and now, let go.

I'm scared, I'm anxious and I'm nervous. And whether this baby happens or not, I am so happy I was able to say it. To own my fears and to normalize how motherhood makes me (us) feel, how unstable I feel in my body and mind sometimes and how this is normal and human too.

Does anyone have all their shit together at once?

I thought for a second I did and then I lost it and it keeps happening. My mom told me she had a very anxious period during her first pregnancy but she barely remembers it, I hope one day I look back on this moment and think, it was just a glitch in time, and it ended too.

The question is whether when I look back to this moment, it will be with one or two kids in my family.

There’s stuff you can’t simply just plan and make happen, or can you?

All I know is, I've never felt certain about anything in my whole life except the time I met my daughter and immediately knew this was the love I was always meant to feel and give and receive.

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