• ccm

The divide

It's 1 am as I check the time on my phone charging on the bed stand. I was woken by this feeling of heaviness and tightness around my chest. The muscles in my chest are rigid, my heart is pounding. Something doesn't feel right at all.

My hair us wet form the night bath I took earlier and my now wet sweatshirt is making me shiver.

I am used to getting up at nights, so I do my thing. I walk around, check everything and everyone's okay, I go to the bathroom, I drink some water, I go back to bed. I am yawning half yawns I just can't control it. I sit in bed try to breathe but the heaviness is closing in on me.

This pressure on mu chest won't cave, I am entirely sure something is physically happening to me, something bad.

I wake my husband up. ' I am really anxious' I say, 'will you talk to me for a little bit until I calm down?' He sits on the bed half asleep.

And right then and there I just can¡t. I can't hold the composure longer. My head starts spinning and my eyer begin to see dark spots all over. I'm going to faint, I say.

And off. I went. This separate self. This body and this mind that don't synchronize. I lose full control of everything that was seconds ago holding me together. Off I go into the deepest of sleeps. I dream something, there's music, there's a lot of stuff happening I just can't tell what.

Ten seconds later I am back in my body. He's holding me close, stroking my hair, Repeating over and over again, you're okay just breathe. He's saying it to me and to himself too probably. He's scared, I'm scared yet calm. There is peace in here, finally.

I feel his love, how worry, his unconditional self. I breathe and my body shivers. I am back in this body and this mind. No longer in control but deeply connected to what just happened and to what is. My body took control because it was too much for my mind and both are in union again. Shaken, tired and scared but working together for me.

I needed to leave for a moment so I could trill come back and stay this time. I am here, now, alive. I can finally breathe.

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